Saturday, January 27, 2007

All of this happened not so long ago

These are some older picture’s of Taraneh’s that I just got my hands on:

Where do you find the cheapest drinks on Khaosan Road? Well, one option that won’t set you back a lot of Baht is what we simply call, “The Gas Station.” That’s because it literally is a gas station. The owners rent it out at night and the “bar” puts out dozens of cheap metal tables and folding chairs around the pumps, and sets the mood with small candles burning in plastic cups. Here's Taraneh and I enjoying drinks with Lara and Tom.


Ever wondered what one-too-many Thai whiskeys looks like? Or maybe I still needed a couple more. This was a memorable night in Bangkok nearly a month ago.

The whiskey helped with my pool game though. Or at least for a bit. I don't think I actually won a single game.

Another “bar” we like in Bangkok is similar to The Gas Station in that they just set up chairs and tables and sell beer. That’s it. We cheer them for their simplicity and, more importantly, for their cheap beer.

Sure, this Christmas tree looks a little sparse, but it was the most beautiful of its kind for miles and it made us feel at home. Sorta. And check out at all those presents! Is it obvious I got a basketball for Christmas?

A Christmas feast. Sitting around the table from left around the table is Erica, me, Hale, Anna, and Sebastian.

Oddly enough, this is a picture of the “security” at the big New Year’s party in Bangkok, just hours before the bombs went off. We didn't think much of the cops hanging around then but they certainly didnt spend the rest of their night snacking and chatting.

Bangkok’s festive holiday decorations at Central World Plaza where we had our first (then broken up) New Year's party.

Let’s see how many of these tall beer towers we can down before the bombs go off.

Taranah, Dustin, Hale just before the party was crashed, or blown up, or whatever. The bombs that first went off weren’t near us though some were found once our party was stopped and we were forced to find a countdown elsewhere.

Wiener Dogs to the Rescue!


It happened so quick I couldn’t do a thing about it. Min and I were playing football in the front yard. There is a large fence surrounding the yard and the gate opening to the main road is usually closed but was left open for some reason. I was just kicking the ball around the front yard when I saw Dtua Dahm, the largest of the three family dogs run out to the road to bark at another dog, which suddently turned into a nasty fight.

Recently the dogs have been in feral heat and it hasn’t been pretty. The dogs have been barking non stop and even our dogs (all females) have been humping each other. Anyways, Dtua Dahm ran out of the gate barking at a dog I was pretty sure was the male that has been coming over and flirting with the ladies while we’re away at work. I didn’t think much of the dog at the time, but I was walking over to get Dtua Dahm back inside the gate, scared she might run out into the road and get hit.

The next thing I know there were two dogs, and I was right, the first dog was Dtua Dahm’s “boyfriend” but the second was another male. They immediately ran at each other and started fighting. It looked rough but it’s tough to tell with Thai dogs, they play real rough. They took bites at each other and rumbled together until they fell into the ditch. The ditch was steep enough and with grass tall enough that the dogs had little room to maneuver and or run. Down in the weeds the male got his jaws on Dtua’s face and I realized it had turned serious. I wasn’t considering walking into the dog fight to break it up but Dtau started to really struggle and soon she realized she couldn’t escape the dog’s locked jaw. It was tough to watch because I couldn’t see where the dog’s teeth were sinking in and I remember expecting to see a bloody eye gouged out.

Dtua Dahm is a noisy dog but she’s a pet. She learned this the hard way and when she couldn’t loosen his bite from her face, she began to whimper, then yelp. I didn’t notice where Dtua’s baby’s daddy ran to, but she was alone, without help. It was vicious. When yelping didn’t work she struggled again, and got free for a second, only to allow the dog to bite her again under her front leg. Even with her head free Dtua could do little, the dog’s jaws clenched on her armpit while pinning her down to the bottom of the ditch. And there I was, doing nothing.

I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to break it up but didn’t know how. I yelled which, obviously, did nothing. Then I picked up the soccer ball and threw it as hard as I could against the other dog. I hit him, but he didn’t even flinch. When teeth are breaking skin rubber balls, even if throw hard, don’t make much difference. With little else to do, I looked around for, I don’t know what—perhaps something else to throw.

I saw Pee Took casually walking down from the house to see what all the yelping was about. He stood at the fence, peering down at the dogs and yelled at them. Again, they didn’t respond. It seemed Pee Took had heard the commotion at the same time as everyone else though, and the two wiener dogs, Dtua Daang and Dtua Ngok, came running out as well.

Unaware of their size disadvantage the two little wieners lept into the ditch to save their queen bitch, Dtua Dahm. The went after the dog’s back and with their tiny little jaws bit him hard enough, he let go of Dtua Dahm’s armpit and lept up from inside the ditch. On higher ground, now against three (although more like 1 and 2 halves) dogs, and having already one the real fight, the dog took his leave and scampered off down the road. Acting tough, the wieners barked at him as if to say, “And stay out!” while Dtua Dahm began to limp her way out of the ditch.

Dtua Dahm got her ass kicked. Or bit. Or whatever. She limped back in the gate with her tail between her legs and bleeding. She had blood on her on several different spots so it was hard to tell where she was actually bleeding from. At a glance her face was okay, both eyes intact, though you could see the shame, the defeat, in her eyes. She whimpered far from the gate and laid down to lick her wounds. She took the pain well. She acted hurt for a couple hours but soon realized she was okay and moved on. Dtua had a nasty bite mark where she had been bitten under her arm and she walked gingerly for two days. And then, she was back to barking again, challenging any dog that came to the gate.

There is a vet here in Buakhao but the stories I have heard about the place makes me think that if you fail at becoming a doctor in Thailand, they just tell you to be a veteranarian. Dtua was fine anyways and the evening of the fight we were eating rice and the family was telling and retelling, the story, laughing and laughing again, about little wiener dogs running to the rescue of Dtua Dahm.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Living out here is so great that I can overlook these sorts of things - but only for so long

I was going to brush my teeth and then suddenly, definitively changed my mind. I saw a cockroach on my toothbrush and all of a sudden skipping a night of brushing was prudent. I wasn’t sure what could happen from using a toothbrush treaded on by a cockroach, but assume it’s potentially far worse than plaque build up or tooth decay. Where was this roach when I was young and constantly tried to get out of brushing my teeth?

Mom! There’s a cockroach on my toothbrush!

That one would have worked for sure. Especially with this roach tonight; he was one of those big fatties that they fry up and sell as a crunchy treat on the streets of Bangkok.

And what was he doing up by my toothbrush anyways? There’s nothing up there but razors and soap and toothpaste and other clean things that I imagine are very uninteresting to a cockroach. There’s all kinds of grimy un-swept places in my house perfectly homey for a roach, why does he have to meddle in my toiletries? I guess I just wish I had a picture of it, my brush laying across the bath rack, the roach perched across the bristles like a an oddly-shaped, over-sized shell of toothpaste with tiny legs and waving antennas.

What’s really bad about finding a roach on your toothbrush is that for the next day or two I am slightly paranoid that cockroaches can, and thus will, show up in other unexpected places that had previously been bug free. Suddenly I must search through the sock drawer carefully and need to shake out my comforter before climbing into bed. Piles of laundry are also suspect crouching spots for roaches as are my unworn shoes, potentially home to one until I unexpectedly crunch it into the tip of my shoe with my big toe.

Oi!

Sugarcane’s taller than you think. It’s taller than I thought. But then again, I never claimed to know anything about sugarcane. It was news to me that an extraordinary amount of sugarcane is grown here in Isaan. I also, until recently, had no idea there was a large sugar factory just outside of town, only 10 minutes from my house. That would explain all of trucks stacked with sugarcane that barrel through town with more regularity than the local buses.

One bribe and these illegally over-loaded trucks are street legal and they come through Buakhao from all directions, stacked taller and wider with cane than any falang would consider safe or even think possible. Barely held in place, canes fly off the entire way to the factory and thus, for miles, our main roads are littered with sugarcane.

It wasn’t until a couple days ago I finally saw what I had been expecting to see regularly: a truck pulled over, half of it’s payload toppled from the back, nearly blocking the entire road. I thought back to all of the times I had been driving directly behind one of these trucks, peeking around ready to make another treacherous pass on the two-lane Thai roads. The joke then, when looking to pass, just feet behind the back of an over-loaded sugarcane truck is, “Gin oi, mai?”, or “Wanna eat some sugarcane?” I don’t take the joke as lightly anymore, having seen that being buried in freshly cut cane isn’t so unlikely after all.

Friday, January 19, 2007

A quiz of pointless but nonetheless at least slightly interesting aspects of Thai life

1. What is Lauren holding?


A: Her allotted rations of food, beverages, and toiletries for her week’s stay here in Buakhao.

B: Tesco-Lotus’ new Beach CarePak, the “beach picnic in a bucket”.

C: A gift from Pee Meaw to Lauren, Thailand’s equivalent to a fruit basket.

D: Lauren’s bucket of alms to give to a monk in order to make merit at a local Wat.


2. What is this beautiful animal?

A: A Thai dog sticking his nose into the wooden wall of my bathroom.

B: A wild pig looking to get a hand out.

C: The pot-bellied pig I ride to school when my bike won’t start.

D: Dinner.


3. What is this silly wood contraption?


A: A wood “clapper” used to scare animals away from the local crops.

B: A pillow.

C: A Thai puzzle in which you have to separate the two pieces without breaking either.

D: The propeller of a boat.


4. What is this a picture of?

A: A kiln for making charcoal.

B: A holy place for the cremation of poor Buddhists.

C: 2006’s “Worst Bathroom in Thailand.”

D: The remnants of a house still haunted by the people who died when it burned down.


5. Why was Min making fun of the other kids in this picture?

A: They were playing with cows.

B: They were playing with cow shit.

C: They were shy because they had never seen a falang before.

D: All of the above.


6. What is this vehicle?

A: What I traded my bike for straight up because they guy said it would be a “pussy magnet.”

B: Ford’s attempt at getting an edge in the SE Asian car market.

C: The overnight bus to Bangkok.

D: A Thai tractor.



7. What is this on the road?

A: Thai road kill.

B: A frog pancake.

C: Mon and Min’s pet frog, “Greenie” who forgot to look both ways.

D: Dried frog, a Thai delicacy.


8. What is going on in this picture?

A: A ghost is immerging from the forest.

B: A young boy is chasing after his lost ball.

C: A young boy is hunting bugs for dinner.

D: Min is peeing in the sugarcane field.


9. What fruit is this?

A: Poison fruit.

B: Tiger fruit.

C: Dragon fruit.

D: Chocolate Chip.


10. What is this small building?

A: Thai Barbies’ My First Traditional Teak Home.

B: A spirit house.

C: A learning center for ants who don’t read good.

D: A birdhouse.


(The answers: 1:D, 2:B, 3:B, 4:A, 5:D, 6:D, 7:A, 8:D, 9:C, 10:B.)

Hippo Eats Dwarf


It’s difficult to make stuff like this up. It’s tough to make a headline that demands so much attention. Hippo Eats Dwarf. I don’t think a single person can read that headline and not have to read on to find out exactly how a hippo ate a dwarf. If you read a headline like that, you know you’ll be about it later and you better know the details.

The sad news is that I did some “fact checking” and maybe someone did make it up. It appears the story it only a legendary “hoax”, now only an unbelievabe urban legend. It is now only a small internet joke and even some cheesy band has named themselves after the article. Ends up there’s even a book of hoaxes that agrees with me about the gravity of the headline and chose to use it for the name of the book, “Hippo Eats Dwarf: The field guide to Hoaxes and other B.S.”

The article was published back in 1999, and –take it from me- of all places, if a hippo was going to eat a dwarf, it would have happened in Thailand, either in Bangkok or Pattaya. I’ve spent more time than I’ve wanted or would like to admit in Pattaya and their newspaper, The Pattaya Mail, is perhaps one of the best in the world for sheer entertainment. When I was there two years ago I read a story about a prostitute who swallowed a diamond ring. As the story went, some married man picked up two hookers for a threesome, had his salacious fun, and then refused to pay for it. The working girls became angry and went through his wallet and found nothing, and then one saw his diamond wedding ring sitting on the table. I’m not sure exactly how the logic went, but she gulped it down as some form of collateral I guess. As the story went to print they were still waiting for the ring to reappear and confirm the man’s story.

So as for the truth of the article, it’s up to you. But as for me, I have lived here for a little over a year and in that time have seen more unbelievable shit than in the rest of my life combined. So when it comes down to believing this story or not, I like to think of all the other things we believe in just for fun (Santa, Easter Bunny, honest politicians) and I say, it happened. That dwarf screwed up, hit that trampoline wrong and landed in the mouth of a yawning hippo. Why not? Haters say it never happened, but can anyone prove that it didn’t?

Thursday, January 18, 2007

How do you say "How much for that muumuu?" in Thai?

The muumuus at the market. I didn’t even notice them, I wasn’t even sure what they were, but they caught Lauren’s eye and she had to look through the rack. I thought it was one of those times when you stop to look at something not because you would actually ever consider buying it, but because your so amazed at the shirt, or the muumuu, or the whatever it happened to be, and you think, wow, someone actually buys these and wears them, otherwise they wouldn’t be selling them, right? But Lauren wasn’t stopping to laugh, she was stopping to buy.

I wasn’t the only one in awe. The Thai family selling the muumuus was watching Lauren browse through their collection with blank stares of utter confusion. It was like a hippie the falang actually liked them. They watched her carefully either way, just in case she was actually interested in buying one, even if it was just a joke buy - a totally useless present you could give as a gift just to see how long your friend takes it seriously and pretends to like it and fakes being grateful, thinking, what the hell? she went all the way to Thailand brought back a muumuu as a gift? A muumuu? Afterall, nothing says “Thailand” like a muumuu. But it didn’t matter to the Thais, a sale is a sale is a sale, and it doesn’t matter why they sold it, just that they traded their clothes for cash.

But then Lauren wanted to try it on and suddenly it was clear that she was not only serious about buying it but she was buying it for herself. She even asked for a mirror to make sure it looked good and then (and I find this funny, but hell, I’m the one without any fashion sense and Lauren’s the one who fashion comes to naturally) she looked and thought about it, then said, Yes, this looks good, I’ll buy it, even before even asking the price.

And I was loving it, watching the smiles on the Thais’ faces, their excitement that a beautiful uber-fashionable falang came and bought some of their muumuus. That totally meant their clothes were cool and fashionable and I imagined they hoped she would wear it around so perhaps Lauren and her new muumuu would start a new muumuu fad in Isaan and they would be the ones to reap the benefits, 40 Baht a buy. And then, only after she bought them, did they start to ask questions about us, where we were from, what were we doing there, if we wanted to make it three muumuus for 100 Baht, but two was enough for one day, with two we already made their day, or their week, with that single sale.

Aren't disgusting odors Nature's way of saying, "Don't eat me"?


Thais have a strange affinity for food that they admit smells horrible but, they claim, tastes delicious. The most well known of the foods is the so-called “King of Fruit” the durian, a large fruit with a hard, spiky outer casing protecting its yellowish, fleshy fruit. The fruit is so pungent that you can smell the dirty-socks-soaked-in-vomit odor before opening its thick shell. Durians smell so bad that in Singapore they have been banned from public transportation. I hardly think it matters though, I’ve been on buses that drive past durian stands and I still get a strong whiff of the fruit. Most Thais don’t dispute its stench but some claim it is an “acquired smell.” But I’ve never been able to “acquire” it, and since my nose sits just above my mouth, I just can’t imagine eating it.

Even worse than durians is the wretched cooking ingredient only found in Isaan: blaa-la. It’s similar to fish sauce; the black, salty, fishy-smelling liquid used often in Asian cuisine. As bad as some people believe fish sauce to be, it (like Durians) is an acquired taste and around here it takes the place of salt. If you are already disgusted by fish sauce, then you’d never be able to stomach blaa-la.

Blaa-la is homemade fish sauce that sits and ferments outside in a 5-gallon bucket or, like in this picture, in open tubs. Compared to blaa-la, fish sauce has a nice, sweet smell and a mild, salty flavor. Just one look at the stuff and it’s obvious it isn’t for the weak-stomached. The chunks in each of the different blaa-las is hacked fish bits, usually the heads and any other un-wanted pieces.

This stuff is so pungent that cooks can ruin an entire meal, or perhaps an entire dinner with a single ladleful. Thais in Isaan offer this food to me at every meal, no matter how many times I have turned it down. They use the same encouragement insisting it is delicious and offering a taste but I’ve finally found a (cheesy) comeback that works. I say that I don’t kiss smelly women and I don’t eat smelly food. Albeit it be cheesy, it works and I don’t have a drop of blaa-la anywhere near my dinner plate.

Sure, it's good to be thrifty but some things just shouldn't be second hand

Excuse me, were you looking for new or perhaps slightly used underwear? Yeah, they have it here at the market, but it’s not over here by raw cow stomach and other undescernable cuts of beef, it’s over there by the vegetables. See them, just over there, on the other side of the bok-choy, cucumbers and melons? Yep, that’s them, just across from the strange, light-brown milk that’s only recently been chilled after sitting out in the sun for days on end.

There’s plenty of colors and styles, though maybe none of them are the really impolite pairs you wear that go up your butt, but they have all kinds of, oh what do you call them? Grandma underwear. That’s right. Well, I guess you didn’t read your Lonely Planet Guide Book, but around here they’re not just for Grandma. And they’re really cheap too. Well, sure, they’re slightly used but as long as their isn’t any skid marks left they’re clean enough, right? But just in case, buy your vegetables and raw meat first, before you go handling all the hand-me-down undies.

Who needs a maid when you've got kids?

Balloons, hoola-hoops, free candy, and exuberant amounts of under-aged lipstick and mascara; it could only be the Thai national holiday of Children’s Day. It’s a day just for kids,in which local businesses and schools set up booths where they hold games, contests and activities for all the kids of the town. Dressed in brightly colored and often matching outfits, kids were singing songs, dancing, painting pictures outside the lines with inadvertently abstract colors, screaming, running, basically doing everything and anything they wanted. It was a day all to themselves, where a kid could just be a kid. And then there was a fetus in a jar.

We walked around for a while, watching contests we didn’t understand and laughing at kids we didn’t know. There was a hoola-hoop contest with no winners, no losers, just some stylish hoola-tricks and really loud, obnoxious Thai music. It was, quite literally, all fun and games, until the jar showed up. With a tiny white baby in it. Why? Why did it have to be there?

Was it a warning? Don’t be a bad kid or we’ll shrink you and stick you into a jar of some off-color liquid and make an example out of you: this is what happens to bad children.

Or was it teaching science? This, kids, is the miracle of where babies actually come from: large mason jars. No more silly stork stories, babies are grown in dishes and then stuck in jars until they hatch. The clever ones actually find ways to unscrew the lid from the inside. But either way, it’s not gross because that’s where we all came from and now that it’s Children’s Day, you ought to know that.

Really, I suppose it was teaching them about science, about where babies come from, or, at least what they look like at a very young age. One aspect of culture shock here in Thailand is how early kids are subjected to mature subjects or adult responsiblities that we Americans protect our children from. Mon and Min at home cook with mom, using large knives, cooking on open fires and frying up meat, all at the age of 9 and 10. They also watch the news and see newspapers, on which they are exposed to ghastly murders and graphic motorcycle crashes.

What’s strange is that all of this exposure appears to be for the best. The kids are perfectly able to cook and actually enjoy preparing an entire meal for the family, nearly entirely unsupervised. They do so without setting the kitchen on fire, cutting themselves, or even burning the food. The exposure to violence, or at least the bloody and gruesome results of violence, brings only sympathy out of the kids.

What all this means about our culture and us being overprotective of our children, I’m not sure, but I have learned that the kids here are just as good at work as they are at play. They help around the house without complaining, usually enjoying cooking or cutting bits of chicken with a large butcher knife. The adult chores and mature subjects they learn early are just a part of life out here. Why that means it’s a good idea to have a fetus at Children’s Day, I’m not sure but most of the kids just stared it at for a quick second before running to another booth to sing another song or play another game.

Air Filter, Round Two


Not that this was the craziest story to come out of Thailand, but I just had to laugh the night after Pee Took first took out his new homemade air filter and said that his bike was running too slow- that he actually made the filter too thick and the air couldn’t get through quick enough. So all that work he had put in to melt the filter in with hot wax had to be undone, by heating and re-melting the wax before cutting back it back out, cutting out half of it, and re-melting it back in. It was a hell of a process. This picture is blurry but it’s just funny to see the air filter pulled apart just before he had to fold it back in. He told me that he’s not stingy, he’s just thrifty; by doing this himself he was saving 1700 Baht, or $40.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Big Milks!


It took me months to catch onto one of my favorite Thai to English mistranslations. I never heard if often myself, but some female teachers were wondering why students would snicker and say “big milk, big milk!” before exploding in incontrollable laughter. As the translation goes, the Thai word for milk “nom” is also the Thai word for breasts (and for those who really care their word for nipple “hua-nom” literally translates to “milk heads”.) So with a quick peek in the dictionary Thai students translate “nom yai” or what means “big breasts” into “big milks.” It’s a point of endlessly laughter for Thai students.

I was teaching descriptions of people to my students and had them write paragraphs about the people in photos I passed out to them. As expected many paragraphs contained the sentence, “She has really big milks.” In my infinite maturity of now being 25 years old, I brought this up in all my classes and, for better or worse, explained the whole misunderstanding. Part of me expected to hear the words “boobs” and “breasts” incessantly for the next couple days, but to my surprise explaining the correct words to them has completely taken all of the fun out of the joke. Though the students initially found the word boob to be funny, somehow having Ajarn Dustin teach it to them disarmed the word of any humor at all. Evidently, now I’m the only one who thinks “big milks” funny.

Since when are my stomach problems good lunch conversation?

For an illness no one wants to know the details or real severity of, I had my first visit to the local Thai hospital this Wednesday. To put it lightly it was just a stomachache and the need to go to the bathroom often, but the frequent trips to the less-than-pleasant toilets grew old days ago. It was time to get some real drugs to cure my poor stomach and cure it quick.

I left school during my lunch period and drove out to the hospital where Pee Meaw works. I talked to her before walking up to reception knowing it would expedite the process. Even more than that however, Pee Meaw escorted me throughout the place like it was Take Your American Movie Star To Work Day.

At reception I had to register as a new patient and the lady behind the counter was ecstatic when she saw I could read the form written entirely in Thai and could even write my name in their script as well. A couple of the nurses huddled around the form as I filled it out then devilishly giggled as I checked the box marked, “single.”

After getting my new Thai medical card I was taken to do the usual stats. Weight: 81 kilograms. Blood pressure: normal. For my temperature the nurse took out a digital thermometer out a box that sat on her desk. I saw none other like it and it became obvious it was the same one she had used on all the previous patients. She handed it to me and told me how to use it in Thai. I didn’t understand. I panicked. Should I put this in my mouth? How many people have used this before me? Ends up she wanted me to stick it in my armpit, which is still gross thinking about it being under other people’s arms, but I’m just glad I didn’t stick it in my mouth.

After all my stats were fine, I was skipped to first in line ahead of an entire waiting room of sick Thais. I met with a Dr. who had two months earlier cleared me for my health check for my work visa. During this “health check” he asked me, “Are you healthy?” I said yes and then he started filling out the paperwork which consisted of my name, the date, the word "healthy" and his signature. He asked me where I live in America. I mentioned Michigan and California and the rest of the time we spent talking about Arnold and Terminator 3.

This time the doctor told me to lie down on the gurney and he began to listen to my stomach with his stethoscope, once, twice then a third time. Then he began pressing on my stomach and asking if it hurt. I said, “A little.” Then he said he would give me some drugs that he tried to explain in his mediocre English and I merely pretended to understand so as to not make him ‘lose face.’

Pee Meaw rushed me around filling the prescriptions quickly in order to make it out to lunch with the rest of her staff. It only took a couple minutes to get two packages of small white pills, one of which is labeled: SODAMINT (NACHO3) 300. I paid my bill while getting the pills and my final bill was 145 Baht, 80 Baht for the consultation and 65 Baht for the drugs.

We made it to the table half way through lunch and I was immediately asked to supply the details of both my illness and my diagnosis. Five female nurses sitting around the table started the interrogation: “How are you feeling?” “Does your stomach hurt?” “Have you been vomiting?” “How many times did you go to the bathroom this morning?” “Is it like water?” “What did the Doctor give you?” “What is SODAMINT?”

Good. Not too much anymore. So many I forgot. Sorta—have you ever seen how a slushy comes out of the slushy machine? I don’t know. I don’t know, but I hope it works.

MacGyver must have been Thai

In what is now my new favorite example of Thai resourcefulness, Pee Took, the dad of the family I live with, had to replace the air filter for his new motorcycle. Here in the middle of Isaan the part wasn’t available and in Thailand, getting a part shipped out isn’t an option like it is at home. Pee Took’s only option was to drive all the way to Bangkok to get his part. But Thais aren’t the type to be told they can’t just make an airfilter themselves. Pee Took just bought a larger air filter, cut out the filter to the size of the one he needed, ripped out the dirty filter from his and replaced just the filter paper by gluing it in carefully, melting wax around the edges.

I just like picturing a customer’s face at an American auto shop when the mechanic says, “Well, Bub. Can’t do anythin fer ya here. Gonna take weeks fer we’ll get da part. What ya could do though is cut dis here filter up and seal ‘er in with wax.” Pee Took really enjoyed himself though and was quite proud the final product reminding me that he made it himself.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Among the things I won’t be missing upon leaving Thailand:


I know there must be a struggle in the potato chip industry to be on the cutting edge of new flavors but this one blew me away: Seafood Mayonnaise. Thailand is no stranger to seafood flavored chips but this one just seemed ludicrous. Grilled Salmon Chips seem okay because at least people eat Grilled Salmon, but where is this poor seaside community that only has mayo to mix with their seafood? Alabama?

Ends up it’s in France, as indicated by the Eiffel Tower standing on the packaging, right behind the “Master Chef Guaranteed” seal.

The real question is why the hell did I buy the chips? I guess the answer is that I needed to know the answer to another question: what do they taste like?

The answer is, they taste somewhere between BBQ and Sour Cream and Onion, though this still doesn’t fully capture the true flavors of this Master Chef chip. What is for sure is that if I did a blind taste test and had to guess the flavor, never in a million years would I have thought, Hmmm…..tastes like Seafood Mayonnaise!

Monday, January 08, 2007

Not Helping Anybody


I was hoping it was a bad translation and I wouldn’t have to worry about the horribly false statement on the sign, but when I looked each word up in my dictionary and translated it myself, they had translated it perfectly: Thai Herbs Can Cure AIDS.

Less worrisome but still strange is the fact that the sign is hanging above an appliance store selling stubby refrigerators and single grill stoves. The store sits on the main street in town, across from the bank. I’ve lived here for more than two months and have only recently noticed the sign, but I’m sure the locals must all have seen the sign and its claim.

AIDS is definitely a problem here in Buakhao, not as bad as some places, but far worse than at home. With prostitution a common (though technically illegal) practice, it’s not a huge surprise. Still, I thought the grave reality of the disease would demand public awareness, education, and action. My family is fully aware and is petrified about the disease and I assumed, perhaps for little to no reason, that the rest of the population shared their feelings. Condoms are readily available at shops in town but now after seeing this sign I wonder if Thais even bother with them. What I also don’t know is to what extent the small villages in the countryside are detached from education as well. It’s hard to imagine some of the farmers coming all the way in town to buy condoms.

I suppose the bottom line is that I really don’t know a thing about the AIDS problem out here, and although I use to be aware but optimistic about it, now I’m worried that nobody takes it seriously at all.

Why do Thai bands have English names anyways?


Potato. Blackhead. Big Ass. And I’m sure there’s more. These are all Thai bands. Potato I just don’t get. How could that possibly be a good name for a pop band singing about heartbreak and unrequited love? Is there Thai symbolism in the root vegetable that I’m not aware of? Maybe its actually a witty nickname? Probably not.

Then there’s Blackhead who, according to all of my students, think their name translates only to a head that is the color black. That’s still odd to me but there’s the unfortunate part about blackhead translating as a small black zit. When I tell this to my students they’re disgusted. Even more than American students, Thais hate their acne and constantly attend to their pimples, often covering them with some strange small white band-aides that look like tiny bits of toilet paper I stick on my shaving cuts to stop the bleeding. Except they wear their bits of white to school. I think the white spots look worse than the zits. I asked a student about them and she got extremely embarrassed about it, as if it weren’t obvious she had the white squares sticking to her face.

And my favorite: Big Ass. I just bought the Big Ass CD the other day, just to have it. The booklet that comes with it has Big Ass pictures, Big Ass lyrics, and to all those who made the album possible, there’s Big Ass Thanks. Though lyrically soft, the band rocks heavy metal ballads reminiscent of Megadeath and early Metallica. Instead of rocking about the end of the world, death and destruction though, Big Ass chooses to sing about the usual Thai worries, broken hearts and loneliness. But, they rock. And I consider myself one Big Ass Fan.

Floating Wax

The fortuneteller eyes read the wax floating in his silver bowl like someone would intently read a book, effortlessly but with great care not to skip a single detail. The tiny spots of wax swam across the surface of the water huddling together on sides before dispersing and creating other patterns. I could make out the fortuneteller counting the dots under his breath, then noting their significance before counting again. When he finished peering into the bowl he looked up and began to tell me my future.

The fortuneteller’s house was down a dirt road surrounding by farms on both sides, down a single driveway that lead to two small buildings. He worked next to his house in an open building with a clean tiled floor at the base of a shrine of a large Buddha. The Buddha was entirely gold except for its eyes, large black pupils on the whites of the eyes, and though unrealistic, they still peered at you peacefully and content. To the right of the Buddha were three older white statues of monks sitting cross-legged with pointy ears and long beards. Amongst the Buddha and the three monks were dozens of smaller statues, candles, flowers, and pictures of famous monks. Two tall spires on each side of the Buddha, one gold and one silver, were adorned with thin metal leaves. The wind blew violently that morning; the fragile leaves held on tightly as they flitted and shook in the heavy breeze, making ever-slightest clinks against the spires.

I wasn’t sure what to expect what a fortuneteller would look like. My only idea is an image of an old woman wearing a turban and big dangly earrings, with a big nose, a large protruding wart on it. She would be sitting on large pillows behind a crystal ball in a heavy cloth tent, that she set up only temporarily, traveling around with the circus. The man I met instead looked like a monk more than anything else. His hair was very short, and since it was a day before the full moon, I assumed he kept the monk’s ritual of shaving his head according to the lunar calendar. He walked confidently but humbly and sat on the floor with his knees bent, his left leg to the side behind him, and his right leg bent in front of him, his right foot resting against his left knee. He dressed completely in white, loose fitting pants and shirt with a large folded cloth draped over his left shoulder, down across his body. He wore a single, large gold ring on his left ring finger, and though he only works in seeing the future his hands were large and strong as a craftsman’s. His face appeared constructed of the curves of many perfect circles; his head, ears, nose, cheek bones all rounding his face together handsomely. His eyes moved slowly, as did the rest of his body; he even blinked slowly as if he perceived time differently altogether.

The man counted out nine small orange candles and placed them onto a small plate and sprinkled small flowers atop them. He bowed as he handed me the plate and instructed me to slip 100 Baht under the candles. He spoke softly but confidently with a calming voice. He then told me to hold the plate high and pray about my future and all of my concerns for it. The strong winds shook the candles in place, and blew some of the tiny flowers off the plate. I tried to concentrate about my goals for the future, my travels, my writing and handed the candles back to him.

In front of the fortuneteller was a small stool upon which sat a silver bowl—dull but intricately decorated—standing on a small base. Next to bowl was a lighter. He picked up the lighter and, shielding the wind off with his hand, lit two candles side by side. It was impressive to see him do this so easily given the intensity of the gusts of wind crossing through the room. He held his hand cupping the flame so that, despite the breeze, the candles’ flames were large and unthreatened. He held them over the bowl and began to drip wax down into the water inside. He concentrated as he did this, but he did it with ease, unaffected by his surroundings, in his own reality.

Dancing across the surface, the circles of wax played out my future in a mirror of water. I did not say anything to him before we began. He asked me no questions, I offered no information. The fortuneteller slowly took his eyes off the bowl and looked up at me. You travel often but you’ve now been here for a while, he said. Soon you will travel again though, to someplace far, far away from here. This is good for you, he explained, you need to travel before you will settle down.

He was right, but none of this was surprising. I had come to his home with a couple Thai friends and he been seen speaking Thai with them. It was obvious I had been in Isaan long enough to make good friends, and had been in Thailand even longer, long enough to pick up the language. Seeing my camera it was easy to assume I travel often; it being a piece of equipment inappropriate for the countryside, the opposite of bringing a pitchfork into the city.

But more than shocking me with predictions, I think he gained my trust just by telling me what I wanted to hear, that traveling was important to me, that I must do it for a while before I am able to settle down with a career. For anyone it’s nice to hear encouragement, reinforcing your goals.

He looked back at the wax, still moving in the water. Your experiences abroad will be very important, he continued, you’ll need them before you move back home, sometime next year. 2007 will be a very good year for you, he said, you should go through it confidently and without worry. It will be a year of much growth, without hardship.

One thing you must be careful about though, he warned, is your stomach. Be careful what you eat. Again, his advice was not shocking, being careful about foreign foods is always a good idea when abroad. Don’t drink the water, right? But what interested me about his comment was that earlier in the morning I had been suffering from horrific diarrhea that nearly made me cancel my plan to come out. My stomach was still volatile. I wondered if he had noticed this somehow in the way I was sitting or if in some strange way the morning’s sickness was integrated into my future. Whatever it was, I still at this very moment am aching from stomach pains and frequent trips to the bathroom. The ailment, he explained, is the result of your previous life. He told me that I should make a habit of giving food and medicine to those in need as a way to help ease my own stomach problems. That is the best way to make merit to reverse whatever had happened in my previous life.

Continuing to read the wax’s movement, he told me that early next year I will find my work, a job that will pay decently but more importantly, that I will like very much. Only then, with traveling complete and my career in motion will I settle down with a woman and marry. In classic Thai fashion, Pee Nok intervened to ask, will she be pretty? The fortuneteller took the question without reaction, looked into the bowl for the answer, then looked back up at me and said, yes, she’ll be very beautiful.

A long and healthy life, he predicted. Then he told me, I see the end of your life, and you are in a large, famous building. There are many people around you. This was the strangest prediction he made. Why was he able to so specifically see a moment later in my life and what was the significance of it? I believe he meant it as being in that building meant I had earned my way there, that my life had been one of much success. I might be wrong.

It is hard for me to say to what degree I truly believe what I was told. If he is correct about everything, that’s cool with me. Since I liked what he said, I left feeling more content and excited for the future instead of feeling skeptical or critical of his visions of it. What’s frustrating is that my Thai wasn’t good enough to understand every word and though Pee Nok was helping to translate as well, I was unable to catch all the details. His predictions worn vague by the language barrier I was only able to see a large picture and unable to be critical of anything specific he said. I went only with a curiosity about the ancient beliefs that apparently healed Pee Nok’s back. I did not go with any problems I needed advice with, wanting to know the future so I could prepare myself for it. Instead I came to see who the fortuneteller was, to see him work his craft just as much as I came to hear anything about myself.

Impressed more by the man than by anything he read about my life, it was impressionable experience. If nothing else, the fortuneteller’s intuition was incredibly strong and he was able to read the small details that go unnoticed by the other people. I think he confidently looks into people’s eyes and reads their pain, sorrow, worry, excitement, embarrassment, shame. He notices nervous ticks and twitches, the smallest habits of our hands, or our eyelids. He understands the hidden language of posture, of eye movements, of the smallest pursing of the lips. I believe it is this heightened intuition that gives him a base to look into his silver bowl and know what to read from the drips of wax.

And now, having had my future peered into through a small pool of water, I walk ahead into 2007 with a renewed confidence and a more focused reality. Since I was given little more than happy news for the future I hope that in the least it can be a self-fulfilling prophecy, living 2007 without worry, believing or wanting to believe that the man looked into my eyes and saw a seriousness, a conviction, a passion that he found undeniably headed towards success.

Still, I feel slightly haunted by this image of my last days, looking from above down into some famous, stone building with a large group of people milling about. Then I see myself standing in the middle of the room, decades from now, having lived through all the predictions, the mysteries of my future having all been revealed.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

"Hoiy-kom", my embarrasing phone ettiquette and a fortuneteller in Pattaya

I was in Bangkok when I received a phone call I thought was from my friend Lauren, who had just come up to Bangkok for New Year’s on her way to Cambodia. I saw the unknown number and assumed it was her because she had to use public phones to call and though I heard a Thai voice on the other end, I thought it was her trying to be cute and funny, acting like she was the room service or something. So I even asked her, “Ohh… eees deees room ser-veece? You give me sucky sucky?” And then I heard a pause and an “Arai-na?” which is Thai for “excuse me?” Lauren may have picked up some Thai since coming here, but there was now way she knew, “Arai-na?”

Back-peddling and asking politely who I was talking to, I found out it was Pee Nok, a great friend of mine and also the Buddhism teacher at the high school. She was calling because, she said, her young daughters Bam (7) and Tam (10) missed me and wanted to say, “Hello.” I talked to each of them on the phone, a feat in and of itself. As good as my Thai might be, talking over the phone has always been a problem.

After talking to the girls Pee Nok told me she had good news; she no longer had to get the back surgery she had been worried sick about. Several years ago Nok had been in car accident and injured her back. She had been okay until the past year or so, when it had gotten worse to such an extent that she traveled all the way to Bangkok where a doctor told her she must have surgery to fix her back. The surgery though, he warned, was a difficult one with only a 50% chance of success. If it did not work, Nok would be a cripple for the rest of her life.

So it’s no small understatement that finding out she wouldn’t have to go through with the surgery was good news. It was the best possible gift she could ask for as the calendars turned to 2550 (2007 for all you falang stateside.) Still, given my inability to speak Thai over the telephone I was unable to figure out how Pee Nok was able to fix her back problems with out going under the knife. Last night I finally found out what happened.

When Nok traveled down south to Bangkok she also made a trip to her cousin’s house in Pattaya (no she’s not a “working girl”, though we’re close enough that I can make that joke without being offensive.) Her cousin decided to take her to a fortuneteller to look into the future. It is better to know about the future so you can approach it carefully, Pee Nok explained to me. The fortuneteller told her that she did not need to go to the hospital but instead needed to heed some ancient Buddhist superstitions in order to heal herself. She would have to “blooy” or set an animal free.

It is common for Thai people to “tamboon” or make merit by setting animals loose and I have seen it often with birds or fish at lakes in touristy cities. These places aren’t the real thing though, Pee Nok explained, because you’re not actually setting the animal free from any real danger. These animals have only been caught in order to be sold and then released and thus, unless they die in their often tiny captivity, they all will all be let go eventually without ever really being in danger. Where you have to find the animals, she told me, is at the market. At the market the animals are next in line to be dinner; they are animals that can be “saved.”

Picturing the market in my head, I the only live catches I could recall were fish and eels and sometimes shrimp but everything else I could remember was already slaughtered and probably cooked. Pee Nok did not blooy any of these animals though, instead she let free a “hoiy-kom” or what we translated to be a river snail. A river snail. I know what you’re thinking: they eat river snails? And: she let a river snail “free”? Yes and yes.

Given the severity of Pee Nok’s back problem I am hesitant to joke about her letting the snail go, but I can’t help but try and picture her releasing it back to “the wild.” Of all animals I think a snail is the least able to show any sort of emotion for it’s renewed freedom, just sitting there, probably doing nothing, perhaps not even realizing it was ever near becoming dinner.

A dramatic release or not, saving the snails has turned into a miraculous recovery for Pee Nok and she no longer has to get her back surgery. She’s walking around comfortably again, can drive her car and all kinds of other small things her problems use to prevent her from. I’m not sure I fully understand it but I guess I have to believe it given her new health.

Friday, January 05, 2007

Ask Ajarn Falang!

Here to answer all of those hard-to-ask questions that no guide book, website, or respectable person might give advice about, is the Ajarn Falang. Helpful, honest, and fluent in all things Thai.

Dear Ajarn Falang:

I am traveling to Thailand soon to find a Thai hooker and make her my wife before traveling back home and telling all my friends and family that she’s a personal trainer I met at a gym. I recently heard about the bombings in Bangkok and now am hesitant to make the trip. Do you think it’s safe to go and buy, er, find a wife?

Socially Degenerate
Palo Alto, California

Dear Degenerate:

Yes, it’s safe in Thailand, but only for a short while. If you’re going to come over to find your true love, you’ll have to do so quickly and get out of this combustible place as soon as you can! To help you expedite the process I know a girl, well she used to be a boy, but once her scars heal you'll never be able to tell the difference, and she would be more than happy to go home to Cali with you! And boy, will she pass for a gymnast, or a personal trainer or whatever you will lie and say she was. You should see the ways he, er, she can bend, and you wouldn’t believe the muscles she has in places you’d never expect to see muscles. How else do you think she can open a bottle of beer with her ass? Plus, her ping-pong show will be the hit of all your hella-cool parties. Just think of the possibilities!



Dear Ajarn Falang:

I just went to the most recent Full Moon Party on Ko Phangan and the last thing I remember I was washing down some hallucinogenic mushrooms with buckets of redbull and whiskey. The next thing I know I woke up face down on the beach, wearing only my whiskey bucket as a hat, with about a dozen bendy straws stuck in my ass. I can’t find any of my belongings and I can’t even remember what hostel I was staying in. What should I do?

Sand Where it Shouldn’t Be
Ko Phangan, Thailand

Dear Sandy:

First thing’s first: get that silly bucket off your head and cover your twig and berries with it. You’re already homeless and broke, that last thing you need is a sunburn down there. Second, you’re gonna have to make some money to get yourself some clothes and a boat ticket out of there. I recommend getting your hands on some of those fire-twirling things that people think look so cool when you’re drunk and high on the beach at night. You can learn how to spin those and eventually work at the next party, asking for donations from the party go-ers. And if they don’t give you any money, at least you’ve got a chance to get laid by drunk, loose women who are carnally attracted to men who play with fire! Oh, and work on the six-pack.



Dear Ajarn Falang:

During a legendary night of drinking Thai whiskey on Khaosan Road, I somehow lost all my friends and ended up alone, staggering down the middle of the road with a McDonald’s Double Cheeseburger and a large Chang Beer in the other. It was then that I was approached by what I, at the time, believed to be a beautiful woman. After sneaking her into my hostel and eating the rest of my burger, we started making out and heavy petting for, like, 20 minutes before I reached down her pants and got a handful of something. I wasn’t sure what it was at first but then it started to grow and I freaked out, kicked him out of the room and have been obsessively showering and brushing my teeth ever since. How can I get over this humiliation?

Sexually Confused
Bangkok, Thailand

Dear Sexually Confused:

I know what you’re really wondering: Am I gay? And whether you like it or not, the answer is yes, you are. I’m sorry if it pains you but we guys, unlike girls, have a one-strike rule. You see, women can be with as many women as they want, as long as they come back to having sex with men, and they’re bi-sexual, not lesbian, and that’s usually considered hot. With men however, if you so much as kiss a man there’s a mandatory minimum of a life sentence as a homosexual. In this case, it sounds like got a little farther than first base, and once you’ve been on base there’s no arguing that you took an at-bat for the other team.

But don’t be mad at me, Sexually Confused, I don’t make the rules, I just know them and don’t necessarily have a problem with them since I know to take a good look at her hands and calves before I think about taking the bat off my shoulder. Let me guess, you were looking for an Adam’s apple? Get with the times, man! They shave those off these days! But, you’re question was what should you do now, wasn’t it? Well, just do what I do: lie about it and tell everyone that he was a she and then distance it even further from the truth by saying that she looked like the Thai Christina Aguilera.


Dear Ajarn Falang,

I have traveled to Thailand many times and cannot understand why these people continue to live the way they do. They have cows but no steaks! They have pigs but no bacon! They have potatoes but insist on eating everything with rice! Their country is blazing hot but they always play on the beach in jeans and a sweatshirt while I sweat profusely in my speedo. Sure, my weight problem and sasquatch-like body hair have something to do with it, but I can’t imagine how they can play fully clothed on the beach without dying of heat exhaustion! Even worse, most of the Thais don’t even speak English, let alone German and are always yap-yap-yapping along in their local dialect, pointing at me and laughing. What can I do to make my yearly vacations more enjoyable?

Little Red Speedo
Berlin, Germany

Dear Butt Floss,

Start vacationing in Florida. And eat less bacon.


Dear Ajarn Falang:

I accidentally came traveling to Thailand with my girlfriend and now can’t help but look at every girl except her. Coming here with her was like bringing a book to the library! I wish I could be single and travel alone and enjoy all the exploits of the single life in the Thailand but my girlfriend is attached to my side and we even have a share the same backpack. Is there a way I can check out other books while still going home with the one I came with?

Thai Grass is Greener
Chiang Mai, Thailand

Dear Thai Grass,

Would you ever choose to live your life reading the same book over and over again? After a while you memorize all the words and don’t even need to turn the next page to know what it’s going to say. Get out there and read all the books you can while you’re vision’s still good!

Then again, some of the books in Thailand have horrible diseases that will eat your johnson or cover it with ghastly puss-filled warts the size of grapes. I can also refer you to a man in Bangkok who started reading a Thai book that ended up being a man and now he doesn’t know if he can ever trust himself to pick up a book ever again.


Dear Ajarn Falang,

I started traveling South East Asia on a small budget years ago but now live on this small, secluded beach in Krabi with my Thai boyfriend. I never meant to stay here long, but Dong, my boyfriend lets me stay with him at the bar for free and as long as I serve brews at night I can eat, drink, and smoke all I want for free. Plus, he’s hot in a dating-a-native sort of way and has dreamy Rastafarian dreads, just like me! I love it here, it’s so beautiful just like that movie The Beach. I get everything I need without having to worry about my Mom coming down on me, or working in a dreadful little cubicle or getting parking tickets or anything like that, but how long can I actually live here before I have to return to the real world?

High on Thai Stick
Dton Sai, Thailand

Dear Thai Stick:

Real world? You checked out from there a long time ago Rasta, and I don’t think there’s much of a chance of you ever getting back. Shit, I sit down here to have a beer and happen to tell you what I do for a living, and the next thing I know I’m hearing your life story and playing shrink! I just came here looking for a 20 sack! I’m off the clock dready, and I don’t give out advice when I’m relaxing. But you know what, if it’ll help me get a sack, you wanna know what I really think? The amount of time you have before you have to go back to this “real world” you’re talking about is the same amount of time between now and when a hotter girl starts mooching bong hits off your boyfriend. Enjoy your set up while it lasts, hun, this is the “real world” and not some corny Thai movie where true love is found in the oddest of places.

Monday, January 01, 2007

And you thought your Christmas was strange


And then you saw the pictures from our high school Christmas bizarre, where katooeys could only sit and watch for so long before taking over the stage and re-inventing the holiday altogether. It started quasi-normally when some students sang Christmas carols and I gave an unrehearsed speech about Jesus Christ and the history of Santa Claus in front of the whole school, but then they turned up the speakers and cranked out Shakira and Tata Young and the katooeys came out in colorful outfits shaking it for Santa or perhaps for Jesus or who knows why, and it was at that very moment that, of the hundreds of days I have spent abroad, I felt so very far away from home, sitting there on a plastic chair drinking instant coffee and watching 16 year-old katooeys dressed in colorful drag, suggestively dancing with chairs. In such a conservative place I still wonder where they learned their provacative moves but I've learned better than that, I know not to ask questions I don't really want to know the answers to.

Then there was this beautiful young, girl, boy, katooey, whatever, that did her/his own show in which she sang a tradition Pattaya song bemoaning over a heart broken by her/his lover's disgust and shock over his/her sexual ambiguity. That's all I could pick up over the first two parts of the song, but then in the third, the big finale, the katooey picked up momentem and started to tell her man to take her/him as she/he is and he/she vowed never to lie again. And as he/she did this, he/she started to reveal her true identity, throwing the pads she/he stuffed in his/her bra out into the crowd, then ripping of his/her wig off and throwing it as well. Then, in the final show of his/her ultimate love, or no, sadness? Confusion? I suppose we'll never know, becuse whatever the strong emotions that supposedly took over at the end of the song, the Katooey took out a fake small pistol and shot himself/herself in the head, falling to his/her death. The crowd roared as I wasn't sure what to do.
And there it was, our Christmas show, unlike any Christmas show ever before and I can only wonder if I'll ever have a Christmas again where, when sitting around with family and friends, that I don't start telling a story by saying, "This one Christmas in Thailand, there were all these katooeys dressed like they were color blind and running around with their arms flailing like little propellors swinging off their shoulders..." and on and on. Or maybe I worry that the old Christmas days will never do, and that I'll need something strange, something shocking, more so than a talking snowman or a reindeer with a shiny red nose and I'll always look back on December 25th, 2006 and say, "now that was a memorable Christmas."

My Thai Comforts

It’s becoming more and more apparent that I’m comfortable living in Thailand. It’s all the small things I don’t think twice about. Like putting ice in my beer. It’s bloody hot out here and the beer’s shitty. The ice not only cools it down, but it makes the bitter yet bland brew go down easier. I also consider it responsible drinking, since I’m drinking water as well.

I drink every bottled, canned, or bagged beverage with a straw. Well, I have to drink the bagged ones with a straw, it’s impossible to sip Coke from a plastic bag without spilling. That’s right, I drink from plastic bags. If I order a bottle of coke, and they fill a plastic bag full of ice, poor the coke in, poke in a straw into the drink, and pass it over by the handles. Then I walk around told, holding my drink by my side, unable to set it down anywhere.

When I buy fried chicken, the leg always has the foot. Whole chickens still have a neck and head. When I buy fish, I never buy a fillet, I buy the whole fish, rubbed with salt and its throat stuffed with lemongrass before it’s grilled. At the market I don’t give barbequed rat, grilled frog and cow stomach a second look. I already know it’s disgusting, why look twice?

When driving I never hesitate to drive on the wrong side of the road if it’s faster than going the long way to make a u-turn. When driving on the correct side of the road, I never assume the rest of the traffic is as well. Lane markers are suggestions, and the speed limit is only the fastest your vehicle can possibly go.

I speak the grunts and umphs of the Thai language. A simple “uh”, quickly jerking my face up with my chin means yes. If I just hum the “uh” and draw it out a bit, it’s equivocal to our “duh!” or “no shit” back in the States. “Luh?” lazily pronounced and leaving my mouth open after indicates disbelief, a Thai version of “really?” If something is particularly expensive or someone says something I find impolite, a quick “oi” while retching my face back clearly indicates my disagreement. You don’t find these in Thai phrase books but it’s how we talk.

Squatting over a hole-in-the-floor-toilet no longer bothers me, I’m always sure to have at least several squares of TP in my back pocket. And flushing by pouring buckets of water in the hole to flush no longer seems weird either.

When I have boogers, I pick them. Whenever I want. It’s not a big deal, it’s not impolite, I just have a booger that is bothering me and I pick it. People have boogers all the time. I just picked one right now. Like you don’t have boogers. And really, it’s not that gross, I don’t wipe them on people or anything.

And when I have to fart, I fart. Nobody smells them anyways. There’s always a more pungent odor to mask it in Thailand, especially in Bangkok.

I smile at everyone. It’s the Thai version of waving. Most people smile back. Others see a smiling falang in their village and freeze in disbelief as if it were a ghost that just drove past on a motorbike, grining at them.

I am uncomfortable wearing shoes indoors. I feel impolite when exposing the bottom of my foot. I cover my mouth when using a toothpick. I bow my head low when walking in front of older people. I never touch peoples head’s. I tell everyone they are beautiful.

Perhaps best of all, I’ve mastered the polite decline of generous offers. It’s even more simple than I had ever imagined. When someone tells me to do something I don’t want to do, I just repeat their offer while laughing. A Thai teacher will tell me I have to speak about Jesus Christ in Thai to the entire school at a moment’s notice. My comeback is simple: “Me? (laughing) You want me to talk about Jesus Christ? (laughing) In Thai? (laughing heartily) No, no, I can’t. (laughing) Me? Talking about Jesus in Thai… (laughing slowly into a final sigh, returning to normal.) And then I walk away. In Thailand, one can basically say whatever they want as long as they’re laughing or as long as they say “krup” at the end of the sentence. If I’m polite about it, I can do whatever I want.

Flat Tire


It’s a strange feeling being woken up by a stranger on an overnight bus. I don’t know who’s waking me, or why and then when I realize I’m on a bus, the next obvious question is where am I? Coming home from a long weekend in Bangkok, this time the answer was that I was home, back in Buakhao.

Collecting our things, Taraneh and I stumbled off the bus, our eyes half open our brains half asleep. Outside it was freezing, way colder than Thailand is ever supposed to be. A small group of men were huddled together, warming their hands over a fire in a metal bucket. Some of the men got up and approached us asking, “Where you go?” They were the tuk-tuk drivers. The cold doing very little to wake me up, I could barely think of where we needed to go. I looked at my watch. 4:30 am. I just wanted to be home.

The tuk-tuk ride was so cold it hurt. We weren’t warm again until a half an hour later, overdressed under every blanket I had. A power nap later it was time to drive Taraneh out to Khao Wong. The sun had come out but still hadn’t warmed the earth any. Like the tuk-tuk drivers, many families made small fires along the roadside and I imagined they were warming me up as well.

25 kilometers down the road, I dropped Taraneh at her house and turned back around to make the journey home. My knuckles frozen white, I pulled back on the accelerator and tried to get home as quickly as possible. 2 kilometers out of Khao Wong, 23 from Buakhao, I heard something pop and my bike started to shake uncontrollably. I slowed down, then tried to speed back up but I couldn’t keep it under control. I stopped and looked back. My tire was dead flat.

A small consolation for my bad news was that I no longer had to endure the wind. I felt warmer already. I sat on the bike and asked myself aloud, “Now what?” It was 6:30 am. I could call my Thai family but they wouldn’t be awake yet. I could call Taraneh but she didn’t have any form of transportation. I could call Lara but on her bike it would still be a half an hour before she made it out. Not knowing what to do, I just sat there. There was no one else on the road that early, nothing moving as far as I could see. I actually felt quite peaceful for a moment.

Knowing I would have to get home soon or show up late to school I decided to call Lara. It was a desperate call, and I wasn’t sure exactly what I expected her to do, but at least she could explain to the school why I hadn’t showed up. As I started to explain my situation to her, in the distance I saw a truck approaching. I’m no stranger to hitch-hiking in Thailand but I know you have to pick and choose your vehicles. In Khao Lak we used to let beat up pick-ups go by and wait for newer trucks with A/C. I couldn’t afford this luxury this time, and without seeing what kind of car was headed my way, I tried to wave it down. It flew past me and just as I thought it was gone, I looked back and saw brake lights. I told Lara I had to go and ran up to the truck.

The back of the pick-up was fully loaded with tiny whicker baskets that look like disks. It smelled like rotten fish. I wondered how they would have any room for me in the cab or whether I’d somehow be sitting atop the stench of stale fish. Behind the wheel was a middle aged Thai man and next to him was his wife. I explained my situation and my need to get back to Buakhao to teach. Thank Buddha I can speak Thai. The wife happily moved to the back seat and let me ride in front. Fluent in the basics of Thai conversation I chatted the couple up the whole way home. They told me about the fish in the back of their truck and explained they were driving market to market selling it. They mentioned the name of the fish, confirming my guess of what type of fish they were selling. These small fish are a traditional Isaan dish, one of the few I can’t stomach. They asked me if I had eaten it and whether I liked it or not. I smiled and lied and said that I liked the fish very much, that it was surprisingly delicious.

When we arrived at my home and thanked them profusely then offered them gas money. They refused and then the man got out of the truck and headed towards the back. He reached into the stacks of whicker disks and pulled out a pair of fish for me. A gift. My favorite fish. This is why I love Thai people, because they are incredibly generous. I took the fish up to the house and saw Pee Meaw was up. I offered her the fish. She gave me a confused look and asked me where I bought fish this early in the morning, then added on, “I thought you didn’t like those fish.” I explained and all she had to say was, “Ajarn D, why do you have so much good luck?”

The Dusit Zoo

I’ve always found zoos to be depressing places but I can’t resist going to them to see animals I wouldn’t otherwise be able to. I say depressing because the animals are always depressed by their tiny cages and end up pacing back and forth wearing a rut into a patch of grass. At the Dusit Zoo it was sad to see the tiny enclosures for the animals but perhaps even worse to see the visitors’ interaction with them.
Near the entrance I watched a dad pick leaves off a tree so his daughter could feed them through a fence to emus. The scraggly emus, though finding the leaves unappetizing, kept coming back to fence to take more just in case the family had given found something different to feed them. It wasn’t harmful to the emus but I was just wondering, what the hell are they doing?

A large Sun bear stood on a rock and swayed back and forth in an unhealthy way, sometimes reaching his claws to paw into the air at nothing. Only a small moat separated the visitors from the bear and the people took this opportunity to throw french fries at the crazy old thing. The bear didn’t even eat any of them, the fries just bounced off of him and fell into the water where they were eaten by the huge orange and white goldfish in the moat.


The Dusit Zoo had oddly enormous collection of plain, uninteresting turtles. There were more than a handful of non-descript concrete pools in which the turtles laid in the water or swam in small circles. For what I assume to be for good luck, all the Thais flipped coins into the pens aiming for the turtles’ backs. One Baht coins shined at the bottom of the pools and all of the turtles who chose to relax near the edge of the visitors’ side had coins resting on their backs.

I think perhaps the tigers were the most content of the animals because they were allowed to lounge around all day since they didn’t have to worry about hunting. Or maybe I just caught them all during their mid-day nap, just before they too started to walk around in monotonous circles.


In of all places, Thailand seems like it would take care of its elephants. The elephants here had little-to-no room to roam and all four of them appeared to have long gone crazy. The one here was swaying, taking one step forward, one step back, staring at the wall. All I could think, about the rest of the animals as well as the elephants, was: they don’t belong here.