My Thai Comforts

It’s becoming more and more apparent that I’m comfortable living in Thailand. It’s all the small things I don’t think twice about. Like putting ice in my beer. It’s bloody hot out here and the beer’s shitty. The ice not only cools it down, but it makes the bitter yet bland brew go down easier. I also consider it responsible drinking, since I’m drinking water as well.

I drink every bottled, canned, or bagged beverage with a straw. Well, I have to drink the bagged ones with a straw, it’s impossible to sip Coke from a plastic bag without spilling. That’s right, I drink from plastic bags. If I order a bottle of coke, and they fill a plastic bag full of ice, poor the coke in, poke in a straw into the drink, and pass it over by the handles. Then I walk around told, holding my drink by my side, unable to set it down anywhere.

When I buy fried chicken, the leg always has the foot. Whole chickens still have a neck and head. When I buy fish, I never buy a fillet, I buy the whole fish, rubbed with salt and its throat stuffed with lemongrass before it’s grilled. At the market I don’t give barbequed rat, grilled frog and cow stomach a second look. I already know it’s disgusting, why look twice?

When driving I never hesitate to drive on the wrong side of the road if it’s faster than going the long way to make a u-turn. When driving on the correct side of the road, I never assume the rest of the traffic is as well. Lane markers are suggestions, and the speed limit is only the fastest your vehicle can possibly go.

I speak the grunts and umphs of the Thai language. A simple “uh”, quickly jerking my face up with my chin means yes. If I just hum the “uh” and draw it out a bit, it’s equivocal to our “duh!” or “no shit” back in the States. “Luh?” lazily pronounced and leaving my mouth open after indicates disbelief, a Thai version of “really?” If something is particularly expensive or someone says something I find impolite, a quick “oi” while retching my face back clearly indicates my disagreement. You don’t find these in Thai phrase books but it’s how we talk.

Squatting over a hole-in-the-floor-toilet no longer bothers me, I’m always sure to have at least several squares of TP in my back pocket. And flushing by pouring buckets of water in the hole to flush no longer seems weird either.

When I have boogers, I pick them. Whenever I want. It’s not a big deal, it’s not impolite, I just have a booger that is bothering me and I pick it. People have boogers all the time. I just picked one right now. Like you don’t have boogers. And really, it’s not that gross, I don’t wipe them on people or anything.

And when I have to fart, I fart. Nobody smells them anyways. There’s always a more pungent odor to mask it in Thailand, especially in Bangkok.

I smile at everyone. It’s the Thai version of waving. Most people smile back. Others see a smiling falang in their village and freeze in disbelief as if it were a ghost that just drove past on a motorbike, grining at them.

I am uncomfortable wearing shoes indoors. I feel impolite when exposing the bottom of my foot. I cover my mouth when using a toothpick. I bow my head low when walking in front of older people. I never touch peoples head’s. I tell everyone they are beautiful.

Perhaps best of all, I’ve mastered the polite decline of generous offers. It’s even more simple than I had ever imagined. When someone tells me to do something I don’t want to do, I just repeat their offer while laughing. A Thai teacher will tell me I have to speak about Jesus Christ in Thai to the entire school at a moment’s notice. My comeback is simple: “Me? (laughing) You want me to talk about Jesus Christ? (laughing) In Thai? (laughing heartily) No, no, I can’t. (laughing) Me? Talking about Jesus in Thai… (laughing slowly into a final sigh, returning to normal.) And then I walk away. In Thailand, one can basically say whatever they want as long as they’re laughing or as long as they say “krup” at the end of the sentence. If I’m polite about it, I can do whatever I want.