Since when are my stomach problems good lunch conversation?

For an illness no one wants to know the details or real severity of, I had my first visit to the local Thai hospital this Wednesday. To put it lightly it was just a stomachache and the need to go to the bathroom often, but the frequent trips to the less-than-pleasant toilets grew old days ago. It was time to get some real drugs to cure my poor stomach and cure it quick.

I left school during my lunch period and drove out to the hospital where Pee Meaw works. I talked to her before walking up to reception knowing it would expedite the process. Even more than that however, Pee Meaw escorted me throughout the place like it was Take Your American Movie Star To Work Day.

At reception I had to register as a new patient and the lady behind the counter was ecstatic when she saw I could read the form written entirely in Thai and could even write my name in their script as well. A couple of the nurses huddled around the form as I filled it out then devilishly giggled as I checked the box marked, “single.”

After getting my new Thai medical card I was taken to do the usual stats. Weight: 81 kilograms. Blood pressure: normal. For my temperature the nurse took out a digital thermometer out a box that sat on her desk. I saw none other like it and it became obvious it was the same one she had used on all the previous patients. She handed it to me and told me how to use it in Thai. I didn’t understand. I panicked. Should I put this in my mouth? How many people have used this before me? Ends up she wanted me to stick it in my armpit, which is still gross thinking about it being under other people’s arms, but I’m just glad I didn’t stick it in my mouth.

After all my stats were fine, I was skipped to first in line ahead of an entire waiting room of sick Thais. I met with a Dr. who had two months earlier cleared me for my health check for my work visa. During this “health check” he asked me, “Are you healthy?” I said yes and then he started filling out the paperwork which consisted of my name, the date, the word "healthy" and his signature. He asked me where I live in America. I mentioned Michigan and California and the rest of the time we spent talking about Arnold and Terminator 3.

This time the doctor told me to lie down on the gurney and he began to listen to my stomach with his stethoscope, once, twice then a third time. Then he began pressing on my stomach and asking if it hurt. I said, “A little.” Then he said he would give me some drugs that he tried to explain in his mediocre English and I merely pretended to understand so as to not make him ‘lose face.’

Pee Meaw rushed me around filling the prescriptions quickly in order to make it out to lunch with the rest of her staff. It only took a couple minutes to get two packages of small white pills, one of which is labeled: SODAMINT (NACHO3) 300. I paid my bill while getting the pills and my final bill was 145 Baht, 80 Baht for the consultation and 65 Baht for the drugs.

We made it to the table half way through lunch and I was immediately asked to supply the details of both my illness and my diagnosis. Five female nurses sitting around the table started the interrogation: “How are you feeling?” “Does your stomach hurt?” “Have you been vomiting?” “How many times did you go to the bathroom this morning?” “Is it like water?” “What did the Doctor give you?” “What is SODAMINT?”

Good. Not too much anymore. So many I forgot. Sorta—have you ever seen how a slushy comes out of the slushy machine? I don’t know. I don’t know, but I hope it works.