Ask Ajarn Falang!

Here to answer all of those hard-to-ask questions that no guide book, website, or respectable person might give advice about, is the Ajarn Falang. Helpful, honest, and fluent in all things Thai.

Dear Ajarn Falang:

I am traveling to Thailand soon to find a Thai hooker and make her my wife before traveling back home and telling all my friends and family that she’s a personal trainer I met at a gym. I recently heard about the bombings in Bangkok and now am hesitant to make the trip. Do you think it’s safe to go and buy, er, find a wife?

Socially Degenerate
Palo Alto, California

Dear Degenerate:

Yes, it’s safe in Thailand, but only for a short while. If you’re going to come over to find your true love, you’ll have to do so quickly and get out of this combustible place as soon as you can! To help you expedite the process I know a girl, well she used to be a boy, but once her scars heal you'll never be able to tell the difference, and she would be more than happy to go home to Cali with you! And boy, will she pass for a gymnast, or a personal trainer or whatever you will lie and say she was. You should see the ways he, er, she can bend, and you wouldn’t believe the muscles she has in places you’d never expect to see muscles. How else do you think she can open a bottle of beer with her ass? Plus, her ping-pong show will be the hit of all your hella-cool parties. Just think of the possibilities!



Dear Ajarn Falang:

I just went to the most recent Full Moon Party on Ko Phangan and the last thing I remember I was washing down some hallucinogenic mushrooms with buckets of redbull and whiskey. The next thing I know I woke up face down on the beach, wearing only my whiskey bucket as a hat, with about a dozen bendy straws stuck in my ass. I can’t find any of my belongings and I can’t even remember what hostel I was staying in. What should I do?

Sand Where it Shouldn’t Be
Ko Phangan, Thailand

Dear Sandy:

First thing’s first: get that silly bucket off your head and cover your twig and berries with it. You’re already homeless and broke, that last thing you need is a sunburn down there. Second, you’re gonna have to make some money to get yourself some clothes and a boat ticket out of there. I recommend getting your hands on some of those fire-twirling things that people think look so cool when you’re drunk and high on the beach at night. You can learn how to spin those and eventually work at the next party, asking for donations from the party go-ers. And if they don’t give you any money, at least you’ve got a chance to get laid by drunk, loose women who are carnally attracted to men who play with fire! Oh, and work on the six-pack.



Dear Ajarn Falang:

During a legendary night of drinking Thai whiskey on Khaosan Road, I somehow lost all my friends and ended up alone, staggering down the middle of the road with a McDonald’s Double Cheeseburger and a large Chang Beer in the other. It was then that I was approached by what I, at the time, believed to be a beautiful woman. After sneaking her into my hostel and eating the rest of my burger, we started making out and heavy petting for, like, 20 minutes before I reached down her pants and got a handful of something. I wasn’t sure what it was at first but then it started to grow and I freaked out, kicked him out of the room and have been obsessively showering and brushing my teeth ever since. How can I get over this humiliation?

Sexually Confused
Bangkok, Thailand

Dear Sexually Confused:

I know what you’re really wondering: Am I gay? And whether you like it or not, the answer is yes, you are. I’m sorry if it pains you but we guys, unlike girls, have a one-strike rule. You see, women can be with as many women as they want, as long as they come back to having sex with men, and they’re bi-sexual, not lesbian, and that’s usually considered hot. With men however, if you so much as kiss a man there’s a mandatory minimum of a life sentence as a homosexual. In this case, it sounds like got a little farther than first base, and once you’ve been on base there’s no arguing that you took an at-bat for the other team.

But don’t be mad at me, Sexually Confused, I don’t make the rules, I just know them and don’t necessarily have a problem with them since I know to take a good look at her hands and calves before I think about taking the bat off my shoulder. Let me guess, you were looking for an Adam’s apple? Get with the times, man! They shave those off these days! But, you’re question was what should you do now, wasn’t it? Well, just do what I do: lie about it and tell everyone that he was a she and then distance it even further from the truth by saying that she looked like the Thai Christina Aguilera.


Dear Ajarn Falang,

I have traveled to Thailand many times and cannot understand why these people continue to live the way they do. They have cows but no steaks! They have pigs but no bacon! They have potatoes but insist on eating everything with rice! Their country is blazing hot but they always play on the beach in jeans and a sweatshirt while I sweat profusely in my speedo. Sure, my weight problem and sasquatch-like body hair have something to do with it, but I can’t imagine how they can play fully clothed on the beach without dying of heat exhaustion! Even worse, most of the Thais don’t even speak English, let alone German and are always yap-yap-yapping along in their local dialect, pointing at me and laughing. What can I do to make my yearly vacations more enjoyable?

Little Red Speedo
Berlin, Germany

Dear Butt Floss,

Start vacationing in Florida. And eat less bacon.


Dear Ajarn Falang:

I accidentally came traveling to Thailand with my girlfriend and now can’t help but look at every girl except her. Coming here with her was like bringing a book to the library! I wish I could be single and travel alone and enjoy all the exploits of the single life in the Thailand but my girlfriend is attached to my side and we even have a share the same backpack. Is there a way I can check out other books while still going home with the one I came with?

Thai Grass is Greener
Chiang Mai, Thailand

Dear Thai Grass,

Would you ever choose to live your life reading the same book over and over again? After a while you memorize all the words and don’t even need to turn the next page to know what it’s going to say. Get out there and read all the books you can while you’re vision’s still good!

Then again, some of the books in Thailand have horrible diseases that will eat your johnson or cover it with ghastly puss-filled warts the size of grapes. I can also refer you to a man in Bangkok who started reading a Thai book that ended up being a man and now he doesn’t know if he can ever trust himself to pick up a book ever again.


Dear Ajarn Falang,

I started traveling South East Asia on a small budget years ago but now live on this small, secluded beach in Krabi with my Thai boyfriend. I never meant to stay here long, but Dong, my boyfriend lets me stay with him at the bar for free and as long as I serve brews at night I can eat, drink, and smoke all I want for free. Plus, he’s hot in a dating-a-native sort of way and has dreamy Rastafarian dreads, just like me! I love it here, it’s so beautiful just like that movie The Beach. I get everything I need without having to worry about my Mom coming down on me, or working in a dreadful little cubicle or getting parking tickets or anything like that, but how long can I actually live here before I have to return to the real world?

High on Thai Stick
Dton Sai, Thailand

Dear Thai Stick:

Real world? You checked out from there a long time ago Rasta, and I don’t think there’s much of a chance of you ever getting back. Shit, I sit down here to have a beer and happen to tell you what I do for a living, and the next thing I know I’m hearing your life story and playing shrink! I just came here looking for a 20 sack! I’m off the clock dready, and I don’t give out advice when I’m relaxing. But you know what, if it’ll help me get a sack, you wanna know what I really think? The amount of time you have before you have to go back to this “real world” you’re talking about is the same amount of time between now and when a hotter girl starts mooching bong hits off your boyfriend. Enjoy your set up while it lasts, hun, this is the “real world” and not some corny Thai movie where true love is found in the oddest of places.